So. Having depression and anxiety really sucks. Like, REALLY fucking sucks. Couldn't be just one or the other, my brain just had to be doubly fucked up and have both. Most of the time I'm fine, but on some random occasions (yes, completely random), my brain decides to go full depression mode. No energy, no appetite, no desire for human interaction. But the real problem with my brain is it decides to make me loathe myself more than anything. No reason for down day? Its my fault. Bing a lazy sack of shit? Its my fault. Wanting to vent? Better not, its gonna bug people. Not only that, but its probably gonna make them worry about you and thats gonna make them feel bad, nice going you piece of shit!
Everything i do or don't do makes me feel worse about myself. And no, i DON'T want attention, thats the last thing i want. However, I'm one of the most fortunate peole being surrounded by others that care about me.
And that just makes me feel worse.
I don't like not being happy around others because i don't want them to feel bad, so what my brain decides to do is BOTTLE THAT SHIT UP, because whats the worst that can happen? Not like its gonna make me hate myself even more, is it?
OH WAIT TOO LATE FOR THAT
And if my mind ever drifts to that darkest place, it just makes me feel even worse (if thats even possible at this point) because it will ultimately make more people sad than just me, so i decide to live with this bullshit.
Because i care about others more than my damn self.
So anything that i think will make people worry, i keep to myself, because I'd rather they be ignorant and happy than miserable like me.
On the internet, no one knows you're crying unless you tell them.